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Mickey Rourke-
A Survivor's
Story
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By: Stephen
Applebaum
Cannes Film
Festival 05'
As Posted By
Stephen on
Netribution
"The boxing, I
guess, was just
another form of
punishment in a
way. But it was
something I did
before I acted.
I was only going
to have one
fight. I didn’t
know it was
going to go on
for
five-and-a-half
years, like 13
fights. And then
all of a sudden
that was my
life, and the
acting was gone.
Then when I
retired from
boxing, I
thought, ‘Oh,
I’m going to go
back to acting
now.’ But then
when I went,
‘Hey, I’m back
to acting
now,’ everyone
went, ‘Fuck you,
you’re
finished.’”
“Sorry I’m late.
I went out.”
Still
partying hard
after all these
years?
“I’m not dead
yet.”
You have
said that you
felt very close
to Marv, in Sin
City, and
Rodriguez has
said that you
were as near as
they could get
to the character
without hurting
themselves. Why
did you identify
with him so
much?
“I read that on
the internet.
I’m going to ask
him what he
meant by that.”
How
close did you
feel to him and
why?
“Well I think
the pieces of me
that were – are?
– damaged,
messed up, you
know, you could
feel very much
that way inside.
So I guess I
would try to
hide it most of
my life. When I
was combing my
hair in the
morning, I’d be
going, ‘You’re
such a prick.’ I
had some weird
shit happen when
I was little,
stuff I couldn’t
fix right away,
and it caused
everything to go
haywire. That
was very weird,
because when
you’re little
and you can’t
defend yourself,
you feel like a
sense of shame,
so you build up
an armour.
Sometimes the
armour that I
built up got too
much and what I
thought was a
strength became
really a
weakness. Then I
fucked
everything up
because of that.
I didn’t have
the knowledge to
know what to do
about it.”
And you
became self
destructive as a
result?
“Well yeah. But
it was something
I thought was
armour.
Something I
needed for
protection. But
it got way out
of hand.”
How did
you eventually
deal with it?
“I went to go
see a doctor and
talked to him
for 10 years --
a lot.”
Was this
self-destructiveness
why you stopped
acting at one
point?
“Sure. The
boxing, I guess,
was just another
form of
punishment in a
way. But it was
something I did
before I acted.
I was only going
to have one
fight. I didn’t
know it was
going to go on
for
five-and-a-half
years, like 13
fights. And then
all of a sudden
that was my
life, and the
acting was gone.
Then when I
retired from
boxing, I
thought, ‘Oh,
I’m going to go
back to acting
now.’ Then when
I went, ‘Hey,
I’m back to
acting now,’
they went ‘Fuck
you, you’re
finished.’”
You’re
definitely
coming back now.
“Yeah, but I
planned on
coming back
seven or eight
years ago. But
they wouldn’t
have me.”
Some
reporters said
that you were
good at the
boxing but you
were taking too
many punches,
and they
wondered if you
did that because
you thought you
deserved it.
“You
know, when I
fought in the
gym, I never
would wear the
headgear. No. It
was like just
another crazy
thing. But then
I stopped
exactly when I
should have
stopped. The
doctors said I
couldn’t have no
more fights and
kept saying,
‘Please, one
more.’ But every
fighter you ever
met wants one
more fight, you
know?”
Because
of what happened
to you as a
child, when you
became famous,
was there a part
of you that felt
like you didn’t
deserve it?
“Of
course, yeah.
Sure. And I
think out of the
shame evolves
anger, because
you don’t want
to feel shameful
all the time.
That’s not cool.
It’s better to
be angry.”
Have you
any regrets
today?
“I’ve
got millions of
regrets, yeah. I
wish I had the
knowledge and
the
sophistication
and the
intelligence to
fix what was
broken many
years ago, but I
didn’t. So
that’s where it
all fell apart.
But I had no way
till everything
was gone and my
wife [Carre
Otis] said to
me, before she
left, too
[smiles], ‘You
need help.’ I
said ‘What do I
do?’ and she
told me about
this doctor.”
You
needed to get to
the point where
you’d lost
everything?
“Well
you know, I said
to the doctor
one time, we’re
sitting in his
office – by the
way, for a
couple of years
I had no money
to pay him,
because he’s
like $400 an
hour, but he’s
really
good. So I said,
‘Was I crazy?’ I
said this about
a year and a
half ago [around
2003], and he
went like this
[nods silently].
I didn’t think
he was going to
do that. I
thought he was
going to go,
‘No, no’ but he
did that, and I
said ‘OK.’ And
then he said,
‘But not
anymore.’ For
two years, I
ended up owing
him $30,000, and
he said he never
did that with a
patient before
but I was
working real
hard, going
three days a
week to see him,
for about four
years, then two
days a week and
now once a week.
But in the
beginning,
because of where
I come from, the
men don’t go to
fucking therapy,
you know? It’s
like something
for fags. I had
shame about
going to the
therapist. In
the beginning I
would go, then
miss maybe three
or four
appointments. He
said, ‘Look, you
can’t come when
it’s the
explosion, you
got to come
before the
explosions all
the time.’ I’ve
only missed
maybe seven
appointments in
nine years,
which is pretty
good. I was
living like in a
little fucking
room, with no
car, one jacket,
three pairs of
pants, brokered
to shit, and one
day I said to
him, ‘Hey,’ and
I mentioned four
or five actors
that I admire or
whatever, that I
know, ‘those
guys would
fucking kill
themselves if
they had to live
the way I’m
living, like a
fucking animal
now, because I
fell really far.
What about
them?’ He said
to me, ‘Only you
could fall this
far. They
wouldn’t have
any idea how to
fall that far,’
and I went ‘OK.’
I understand now
what he meant in
the big picture.
He’s saved my
life in a big
way.”
Have you
reached a point
now where you
can live a
normal life?
“Yeah
but I have to be
consistent. It’s
like when my
wife left me. I
said, ‘Please
don’t leave me’
[makes a
pleading noise]
and she said
‘You’re not
consistent.
You’ll kill me.’
I went back
about two days
later and I
looked up the
word consistent.
I had no idea
what it meant. I
don’t like it.
Consistent?
There’s no fun.
It was not me,
consistent.”
Have you
and your ex wife
made peace?
“Oh yeah, we
talk every day.”
When did
you know that
you had to take
responsibility?
“I used to have
a very big
house, with an
entourage from
hell, cars and
motorcycles,
money, and
pussy. You know,
the whole nine
yards. Then one
day it was gone
and I’m in a
little room. I
was all like
fuck it, and I
would just lift
weights all the
time. Then one
day I walked by
the mirror and I
saw Marv. Old
Marv, you know?
And I went,
‘Fuck, no wonder
people feel the
way they do
about me. I got
to try and start
getting back or
changing
something,’
because it was
very dark, no
light at all,
just black. But
I don’t mean for
like five
minutes, I’m
talking five,
six, seven
years. Then all
of a sudden
there was a
little daylight
and the window
started to open
a little. But it
didn’t fucking
happen in six
months. I
thought it was
going to happen
in six months.
Maybe in six
years it started
to happen and I
could get out of
the fucking
window.”
Did
anyone in the
business help
you?
“Yeah
but they
wouldn’t hire
me.”
Now are
you going from
one film to
another?
”Oh
that’s all I
want to do. I
enjoy acting
again. When I
went back to
boxing, after
Angel Heart, I
fucking hated
acting, hated
actors, all of
it.”
Because
of what?
“Because of when
I studied really
hard in New York
as a student,
with Strasberg
at the Studio,
it was all about
the perfection,
doing the work
the right way.
It was very
specific. You
were either good
or you sucked.
There was no
grey. Then I saw
[makes a
dismissive
noise] what they
call fucking
movie stars now,
or actors, and
that made me
rage. There was
too much grey.
And I thought,
‘What is this?’
You know when
you have to fill
out a form and
they say your
name, your
business, your
passport number,
your occupation
– oh, I could
never write that
word [actor].”
Did they
want to turn you
into a regular
movie star?
“Yeah,
at one point.
And then they
didn’t want to
turn me into
anything.”
Was 91/2
Weeks the
problem?
“Yeah
but that was
like the sex
symbol thing.
What the fuck is
a sex symbol? I
don’t know who
invented that
but it’s nothing
I wanted to be
associated with.
Now that I’m
older it’s fine.
Marv’s a sex
symbol!”
Did the
suffering you
went through
help?
”Yeah
but it wasn’t
like some cool
thing I planned
to do, to
suffer. It just
happened. I’d
prefer not to
suffer and be a
more mediocre
actor. Really,
I’m serious.
Fuck the
suffering. That
ain’t cool at
all.”
Do you
sometimes wish
you’d been
successful as an
athlete or as a
boxer rather
than as an
actor?
“Probably. . .
probably. . .
yeah. To be
honest with you
yeah, because
the boxing thing
is in my heart.
It’s something I
truly love.
Where the acting
thing, I love it
but I’ve always
liked sports
better. When I
played other
sports, football
or baseball, I
was at home.
Many years
before the
acting, I was
always playing
the sports,
nothing else. I
loved that. I
love the men
that play that,
you know? When I
go out here
[Cannes] at
night or
wherever and I
meet ex fighters
or rugby
players, that’s
who I feel at
home with. ‘Hi,
I’m an actor
from England. .
.’ Yeah? Fuck
you! Let me talk
to the rugby
player.”
It’s
said that one of
the reasons why
Richard Burton
drank is because
he didn’t think
acting was a
manly enough
pursuit. Is that
how you feel? Is
that part of the
reason why you
went back to
boxing?
“Um, I don’t
know if manly is
the word. I
actually said
that one time
and I regret
saying that.
Because I think
the problem is
inside yourself,
not putting a
name on it, you
know?”
You
talked about not
having money
after having a
lot of it as a
big star. So
what was the
first thing you
did when you had
money again?
“I
don’t have it
yet. Money has
never been my
god. I have
turned down
movies that were
big commercial
action movies
for a lot of
money because
that’s not what
I want to do. I
didn’t have
money to eat,
okay. But I had
one friend who
every Saturday
would give me
money to eat at
McDonald’s. No
fancy
restaurants
anymore, no
fashion models,
just McDonald’s.
But that’s where
I came from.”
Why did
you go back to
Miami?
“I went
back to Miami
because that’s
where all the
darkness
happened.”
Shouldn’t you
then stay away
from there?
“Yeah
but my
grandmother’s
there, what’s
left of my
family is there,
so I sometimes
go there.”
Is your
brother there?
[Rourke falls
silent and looks
hard at me from
behind his
sunglasses] ”He
died . . . four
months ago. Joe,
yeah.”
When it
becomes very
dark in one’s
life, people
sometimes turn
to religion. Was
there no god for
you?
”Oh
yeah, there
always was that.
But he works in
a funny way. He
don’t work when
you call him.
‘Hey, fucking
help me now!’ It
don’t work like
that.”
You
obviously get
along well with
Robert
Rodriguez. Are
you going to do
something else
with him?
”I hope
so. It’s up to
his wife. She’s
the boss really,
and I seem to
have a penchant
for pissing her
off. I think if
it’s up to him,
yes.”
Was
Barfly a good
experience for
you?
“I didn’t want
to do Barfly
because all the
men in my family
for generations,
three
generations,
have died in
their 30s and
40s. My uncle,
my great
grandfather, my
grandfather, my
father, all died
in their 30s and
40s from
drinking, so
I’ve had an
aversion to
that. I didn’t
really want to
glorify some
fucking drunk.
But the director
was very
persistent. I
was in London
and he was there
for fucking two
months. I’d walk
down the street
and he’d go,
‘Mickey!‘ and
I’d think,
‘There’s that
asshole again.’
So I finally did
the movie. I
liked the
material but I
didn’t care for
Barbet
Schroeder. I
think he’s an
ass.”
You’re
the definitive
Bukowski on
screen.
“I liked him
but, you know,
he liked my
brother Joe
[taps the table
twice with his
knuckles] more
than me, because
him and Joe
would drink in
the morning.
They’d go, ‘Hey,
have a beer,’ at
seven in the
morning. I’d be
taking my
vitamins and my
shit and I’d go,
‘Look at you
guys. . .’ and
he goes, ‘Hey,
Joe’s a man, not
you.’ I’d be
like ‘Fuck you
guys.’ But he
was cool.”
When you
were successful
you never went
on to drugs?
“No because
living in Miami
my whole life
was really hard
to keep my
brother out of
that. I couldn’t
do it because I
needed him to
stay this way,
because he got a
little involved
in that. I had
sports, he
didn’t have
sports. So I
would break his
ass and all the
other boys’ if
they gave him
shit.”
When you
are successful
everyone
pretends to be
your friend. Was
there anyone
when you weren’t
successful
anymore from the
movie business
who stuck by
you?
“The
guy in the white
shirt there,
Pinky. That’s
why he’s here,
because when
everybody else,
everybody
else, was
gone, that
motherfucker was
there.”
Why
don’t you need
people today?
Don’t you
believe it if
they’re
friendly?
“I had to clean
house because
all the bikers,
all that,
they’re not
around anymore.
So now there’s
really nobody.
Well maybe two
people, and the
doctor.”
Thank
you for your
honesty.
“It’s all I
got.” |
